Week One: Stinky Hot London & Loving It

Good news… The plane didn’t crash! There was a brief moment of blind panic when the smell of fuel wafted into the cabin during takeoff. I’ve always been a firm believer that if the flight attendant is telling you not to worry, whilst hastily punching in the number for the cockpit on the intercom to warn the captain, there is a problem. If they really wanted to do a good job of convincing us, they should have started serving lemonade and peanuts. For the benefit of unseasoned travelers, peanuts are the universal beacon of hope when it comes to air safety. As soon as the peanuts are served, you can sit back, relax and confidently unfold your tray table, firm in the knowledge that you are out of the danger zone.

The flight over to London went quickly, courtesy of the drinks cart. I had a Baileys on Ice to celebrate my good fortune. This also helped to deaden all feeling in my nostrils, which had become uncomfortably dry during the previous flight. Every time I breathed in, the two sides of my nostrils would stick together before painfully separating. Kinda like when your tongue sticks to the freezer door. Not that this is something that has ever happened to me.

Amanda and Ben had kindly arranged a car to pick us up from Heathrow Airport. I cannot describe the feeling of relief when I saw our little Bangladeshi driver holding up a handmade sign with ‘J.Holman’ scrawled on it. The last thing I wanted to do was negotiate the London Underground, armed to the max with what I had decided was a ridiculous amount of luggage. All necessary, of course.

At 5.15am, Amanda and Ben came stumbling out of their home to greet us. Well I’m sure Ben would have, if he were brave enough to exhibit his PJ clad body to the entire population of Belsize Park. Wear them with pride, Ben, wear them with pride!

After breakfast, Nanny and I headed straight out for a day on the town. And it was a scorcher! A combination of humidity and high temperatures around 35 degrees slowed our progress, but we were determined. We went to Madame Tussaud’s Wax Museum… I was very impressed with the lifelike quality of the wax figures. Embarrassingly, I approached one of the exhibits and after not recognizing them as a celebrity, said really loudly “Who do you reckon this is Nanny?” The last thing I expected was a rather snooty “I’m Clint, I work here.” I couldn’t decide whether it would be best to crawl under a rock and die, or to point out to Clint that he should probably consider eating more leafy greens to combat dull skin.

Recently, the museum opened what they lovingly call The Chamber of Serial Killers. Even the introductory sign warns away ‘people with nervous dispositions’. The exhibit brings Britain’s most notorious murderers to life… literally. Several actors are planted among the gruesome display, with the sole purpose of scaring the crap out of you. And holey moley did they do a good job! Foreboding white fog billows out of the entrance to the chamber, which twists and turns through an impressive maze of severed limbs and hacked off heads. It’s tough pretending to be unaffected by the whole thing… particularly when you are so busy screaming like a wimp. It was one of the scariest things I have ever done. And this is coming from someone who used to crimp their hair in the 80’s.

There is obviously a lot to mention, so I will try to be brief! We visited a lot of markets, including the Portobello stalls where Jamie Oliver buys his groceries. The array of gourmet food is mouth watering. All the produce is of such high quality, and the colours are amazing! Definitely a highlight for me.

Another day was spent in Greenwich visiting the Royal Observatory- home of the Meridian Line and the National Maritime Museum- didn’t spend a long time at that last one, incidentally.

The weather has been nice at times, but stinking hot for the better part of it. The buildings retain heat in their bricks, so it is like sleeping in a furnace… but much worse. I resorted to having stone cold showers before turning in for the night. And the worst thing of all- the beer isn’t even ice cold. It’s served luke warm, just slightly colder than room temperature. Still, beer is beer and I imagine it would be quite nice in the depths of winter. In the meantime, I highly recommend the vast consumption of Gin & Tonic to revive oneself.

I had a fantastic night out with Amanda & Ben, and a group of their friends at the Porterhouse Pub in Covent Garden. When we arrived, the place was crowded. Ben set forth on a mission to obtain vital fluids, leaving Amanda and I to guard the piddly spot of pavement we would call our own for the night. Within seconds it started to rain, and before we knew it we were the only ones still outside, leaving a most satisfying amount of space for us to occupy. We shook open our umbrellas and had a most wonderful evening.

On Sunday, we had High Tea at the Ritz Hotel. It was so fancy schmancy! We had a selection of sandwiches with their crusts cut off, fluffy scones and little pastries and cakes. All sinfully decadent! To finish off, the waiters bring out fresh berries with clotted triple cream. Yum! I will post some photos on the website very shortly. This was certainly a once in a lifetime experience!

And now, I find myself sitting at the airport lounge waiting to fly to Dublin. Somehow my suitcase has put on three kilos even though I only bought a pashmere wrap and a bottle of shampoo. Strange…

Catch ya later!